A minha elegia

I wish i could smoke this night
inhale it as the pain of being awaken for long
doesn't drive me mad.
I wish i could swim,
let the water flood my body
and carry me back and forth
without a reason why..
i wish i could travel,
let my soul fulfill itself
as just another mathematical projection
frozen in time,
a builder of dreams..
I dreamnt of an old man
gathering a burnt newspaper from the ground,
a throwned out treasure,
pieces of god glued by inocense,
and i did smile at him
before he was taken away,
for he had not known me,
just a shared consciousness
of how life is an empty concept
He waved goodbye,
and we parted ways,
accompanied by a mid afternoon october rain,
and i saw that old man's life passing through me,
as softly as blades had pierced my skin before,
and i walked,
getting away from that old man,
not looking back,
there is nothing worse in life,
than feeling beauty and watching it show its true silhouete..
I got home,
and lit my last cigarrete,
perhaps that consciousness had not hit me yet,
but there i stood
just like in another day,
with work on my desk,
some books i did plan to read,
and music coming from the neighbours appartment.
I thought about some people i had met..
how things could have been different
had i been different.
But we do not choose who we are,
we can embezel ourselves or make ourselves scarse,
but in the end
what we are is eternally with us..
I look back a couple of years,
not with regret nor with sorrow,
to the things i'd done,
the few people that touched me,
those that tried to give me hope,
despicable word really,
i do remember them fondly,
like the last birthday of your childhood,
far away,fading...
a fence in the garden you'll lay in.
Some of my old writings tend to leave me a bit sad,
of tenacity and strenght that has long since abandoned,
i leave them here as paintings,
paving the floor,
covering this abyss..
I'm going to close my eyes now...